Can I be transparent about a subconscious pain I have battled with my whole life?



Today I was made aware of some subconscious pains in my life. This moment could have only been made clear to me by my counselor. I’m speaking of the Holy Spirit.


For many years even as a child, I wondered why I was so drawn to men. Whether it was sports figures, teachers or even my uncles.


At the age of 13 my grandfather died. My only father figure. When he died I didn’t know how to express my pain, but I felt like I lost a part of my self. I felt like I died. My grandfather and I did everything together. We collected comic books together, baseball cards, we went to met games together, we wrestled together, fished together, he told me awesome stories about his experience in world war 2, he passionately told me stories about ebbits field and the brooklyn dodgers. We hiked together all over NYC. We played catch together etc etc etc. The list was grand. Yes he was my GRAND father. I loved him so much. ( Thank you Lord for meeting him on his death bed, I’m so grateful i will see him again)


This void followed me through out my teen years. It effected me deeply, and I did not even know it.


It even went into my Christian walk as a young man, age 20 till now 32. Even though I experienced a revival in great lengths, this pain has stayed. I didn’t even know it.


I found my self again drawn to men.  Great men of God with authority. Yes I loved their passion and zeal but deep down I hoped some one would in many ways  adopt me. Take me under their wing. But the Lord never permitted it.


I did get to know many of these men but not at the level I longed for. This was not because of any thing on these mens part. These men are just men, with there own circle of friends and family. This kind of rejection was a sovereign act of God that would blossom about 13 years later. In all honesty I just see a few buds but it’s ready to bloom real soon.


Recently I saw a few men of God that I looked up to. One man that I considered to be a friend. We had a little history. When I went to greet him , it was as if he did not know me. Yes I did feel a bit rejected. Perhaps dumb.


I’m in no way bitter or mad at this man. I see this as a sovereign glorious act of Christ. I heard God say , these are just men limited. They can go so far.


I the heavenly Father who sits on the throne am available 24/7. I am your Dad who adopted you, and I delight in you my son.


Yes I want a dad to physically grab my shoulder, or pat me on the back, but God has allowed this void for another reason . A great reason too.


Today I was wrestling with my kids. They were playing with my fat tummy like a trampoline. They were climbing me, hugging me, kissing me etc etc etc.


I had to leave a little while ago to go run a errand. Something so sweet happened. They started crying. Clinging to my legs. Tears running down their face. Screaming daddy please stay, please stay. So they melt my heart and I lay on the floor an extra 15 mins and become a human jungle gym again. It is so sweet, to be loved like that.


As I’m playing with them. I hear a whisper from my heavenly Father. ” what you always wanted in life, you have become. I made you a dad and you know their need. ” I always said it’s not hard to be a dad. I just give them what I always longed for.


Yes as much as I love these heroic Christian men of the faith. They can’t give me what I have with my kids and my heavenly father.


The Lord has placed a call on my wife and my heart. We have always been drawn to orphans. When we first got married we lived in Africa for a year to work with orphans. About 2 years ago God spoke to us and said he was going to use us to start orphanages and rescue them. We had our doubts in this call. Do to some insecurities.


The Lord said to me today. I won’t fully remove this pain from you, because it makes you the dad that you are. I won’t remove this pain from you because you see your own kids faces in the faces of orphans.


I have given you more kids to love and rescue by accepting them . The hug. The shoulder grip you long for from a earthly dad , you know how to do so well and unconditional, because of your pain.


For those of you who have read this. Please pray the door opens up soon. As we have a huge orphan rescue project on our hearts. The door is cracked open. It is becoming a reality. But I don’t want this to be just a note about my pain.


This is about the faces of children all over the world . That need a hug. That need adoption. That need parents to tell them stories. These kids need more than money, or sad statistics presented in heart felt power point presentations.


These kids need human parent jungle gyms.


I’m ready yesterday to open up my arms in this rescue project.

Join with me even now and sing this song with me .

How deep the Father’s love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure


How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory


Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers


It was my sin that left Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished


I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection


Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom


By His Grace alone

Patrick Kucharski



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10 responses to “Can I be transparent about a subconscious pain I have battled with my whole life?

  1. Wow bro, I write this in tears. That was *very sweet* – thanks for sharing and being genuine. The hero we have in Jesus, I see that man in you. =)

  2. Frankie

    That was beautiful Patrick. Thank you for sharing!

  3. Awesome brother. Our heart and prayers are with you.

  4. Shaiem_Hampton

    Great blog, I feel ya.

  5. Andrea Jeffers-Coston

    How beautiful, beloved Patrick…..I am touched and moved with compassion at your sweet sensitivity to our Heavenly Father! How beautiful your illustration, God bless you as you continue to reach out and minister to these beloved and precious little ones. Especially those that seem forgotten and cast away by the circumstances of this life, but that their Father in heaven has not forgotten them, and it’s dear Saints, such as yourself, that are responding to the need and the call placed on your life by HIM. I am touched because as you know children are also my ministry…I am here, and I stand with you and will back your “call” with earnest and fervent prayer. Thanks my beloved brother, and please kiss your wife for me.

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